What happens inside you when you feel disrespected?

Few things sting quite like an attack on your dignity. During my time as a POW in Vietnam, some of my strongest emotions stemmed from our captors’ daily attempts to humiliate us and destroy our sense of self-worth. Decades later, I still feel a “flash” of resentment when I sense disrespect.

Learning to calm myself, extend grace, and forgive has been a lifelong journey. As leaders, we must realize that beyond physical security, people have a profound need to be valued and to have purpose. When we undermine someone’s dignity, we trigger intense negative energy that can derail a team. The “Golden Rule”—treating others as you wish to be treated—is a cornerstone of leadership because it addresses this universal human need.

Article 2 of the Honor Code says:

“Treat others with dignity and respect. Take the lead, and show value to others.”

Please watch the following coaching clip where I share a couple of stories and examples, and then continue reading below.

To lead effectively, we must avoid these four common traps that destroy dignity:

1. The Trap of Domination

Roughly one-third of the population is naturally wired to take charge and control the agenda. While being results-oriented is a strength, it becomes toxic when it manifests as:

• Dictating and Micromanaging: Stripping others of their autonomy.

• Bullying or Explosive Anger: Using fear as a motivator.

• Manipulation: Using power to force personal agendas.

Dominating others destroys their dignity and breeds resentment. Human dignity requires respect regardless of rank. The healthy alternative is to courageously engage with a positive attitude, inviting collaboration rather than demanding compliance. Our Courage Challenge card is a great tool for staying engaged with others in a healthy way.

2. The Trap of Withdrawal

Another third of people naturally retreat when stressed. This is a passive-aggressive form of control that sends a clear, silent message: “You are not worth my time.” This trap includes:

• Hiding or Avoiding: Closing the office door to escape conflict.

• Passive-Aggression: Withholding feedback or essential information.

• Abandonment: Quitting mentally or emotionally on the team.

I once coached a leader who frequently shut his door to avoid interpersonal issues. While he didn’t intend to be mean, his staff felt ignored and undervalued. Respect requires presence. Leaders must choose to stay “in the room” and actively show value to their people.

3. The Trap of Gossip

Gossip is a subversive way to lower others in hopes of elevating ourselves. It is a symptom of personal insecurity that creates a toxic environment and destroys trust. To eliminate gossip, you must take a two-pronged approach:

• Self-Scrutiny: Recognize and break your own habit of speaking ill of others behind their backs.

• Cultural Standards: Treat gossip as a systemic problem. Educate your team on its destructive nature and make it “taboo” in your organization. When leaders set a standard of direct communication, gossip loses its power.

4. The Trap of Judging

“Many leaders possess a sharp talent for discernment, but this can easily slide into judgmentalism, making others feel like ‘second-class citizens.’ Lead with dignity and respect.” [Tweet This]

A powerful example of this involves General Dwight D. Eisenhower. As a young West Point cadet, “Ike” once ruthlessly ridiculed a plebe for his former job as a barber, mocking him for having such a “lowly” background. Upon reflection, Ike—who came from a blue-collar family himself—was so ashamed that he personally apologized to the young man.

This lesson stuck with him. Ike’s later ability to work with the massive, clashing egos of Churchill, Montgomery, and Patton was rooted in his decision to remain impartial. When you stop judging others by their “station” or past, you open doors of favor and collaboration that would otherwise remain bolted shut.

Soft Skills, Hard Results

In the Honor Code that thousands of leaders are using today, Article 2—which highlights displaying dignity and respect—might seem like a “soft skill,” but it is foundational for long-term growth. Even after years of coaching, I still find myself struggling with at least two or three of these traps.

Leadership isn’t about being perfect; it’s about being intentional. When you catch yourself dominating, withdrawing, gossiping, or judging, take a breath and pivot back to respect.

Reflect on your own style: Where do you struggle most, and what are you willing to do today to better honor the dignity of those you lead? Please post your comments below.

LE [Tweet This]

Lead with Unshakable Integrity: Download The Honor Code

In the heat of daily pressure, it’s easy for a leader’s character to be tested by fear, pride, or the desire to “look good.” But true influence isn’t built on image—it’s built on trust. Derived from lessons of resilience and survival, the Honor Code provides seven foundational articles designed to anchor your leadership and unify your team.

Are you ready to set a higher standard for yourself and your organization? Join a community of leaders committed to character, courage, and commitment.

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Purchase these award-winning books that Lee mentioned in this month’s coaching in one package. Leading with Honor outlines the 14 leadership lessons learned in the POW camps of Vietnam. And, Engage with honor applies many of the original leadership lessons into a practical Courageous Accountability Model.

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